Archive | April, 2009

Episodes in Freaking Out: Swine Flu Edition

30 Apr

Whine: Stupid, freaky, weird swine flu. Why’d you have to come to Fort Worth?

Cheese: Big Sis is really into ‘exercising’ these days. This consists of putting her hands and feet on the ground and sticking her bottom as far in the air as she can. Let me just tell you, this is hilarious. Is that what I look like when I exercise? Nevermind. Do not answer that.

 

Swine flu. Until yesterday, my thoughts on the dreaded virus amounted to nothing more than a puncline. Then Fort Worth cancelled school-for at least ten days-and my freakout began. When I found out, my kids were with Grandma (aka Grandma Cookie) for the evening. At that moment, all I wanted were my kids with me so I could hold them, make sure they were ok, and then possibly disinfect them from head to toe, maybe not in that order.

I have since regained the capability of rational thought (due in part to seeing that both my babies are very healthy), but the “outbreak” got me thinking about all the random and weird things I fear. And since you all serve as my personal confessors, I will share a few with you today:

 

1) I am afraid that one day I will run over my mailman. Or anyone else. But especially my mailman, as he has a walking route and could very easily slip right behind my car, escaping my notice, which is easy to do when your backseat is filled with children who think they are birds. Very loud birds.

 

2) I am afraid of missing out on anything. Some of my friends make fun of me because anytime we are discussing television or movies, I know about every show that comes up (and possibly every one that has ever existed from 1986 to now.) I tend to keep up with pop culture and gossip for that very reason. I am also usually the last one to leave an event and the last one to go to sleep at a slumber party, even if this means that I stay up until 1 or 2 or 3 am, and then get violently ill the next day from sleep-deprivation. (Although last time I did this, my sweet hubby let me sleep in and brought me donuts and a latte. He’s such a cute little enabler.)

 

3)I am afraid of parallel parking. This is actually a rational fear because I am terrible at parking.

 

4)I am afraid of being bored. Truly afraid. The idea of being bored feels to me like a giant elephant is sitting on my chest and squeezing the air out of me. So I don’t stay in one place very long, which leaves for lots of great “ideas” and quite a few unfinished projects. But now when I’m bored, I just think of things I could be blogging about.

 

5)I am afraid of hair. Not the hair on my head or yours, but the loose hairs that gather up in corners with the dustbunnies or in the shower drain. Touching those random globs of hair makes me gag and I generally refuse to do it. Lucky for me, I don’t have much hair and don’t shed all that much, cause if I did, I might just shave my head.

 

What are you afraid of?

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Dear Whine and Cheese

27 Apr

Whine: Lil’ Sis (now almost 15 months) is still terrified of walking. She is not, however, terrified of climbing perilously on top of the piano. Go figure.

Cheese: On the way home from happy hour (the Sonic kind, of course) I had the audacity to take a different route. Big Sis heartily objected. I righted our course and she told me exactly how to get home. Although I have a terrible sense of direction, I’m pretty sure from this point on I will never need a GPS.  

 

Here at A Little Whine and Cheese, our mission is to provide information to enhance your life. We are happy to share our hard-earned expertise  (i.e., personal experience from possibly just the last week or so) with you by answering your questions.

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

Does a car seat lose its effectiveness if it is not, in fact, actually buckled into the car?

Sincerely,

Oops

 

Dear Oops,

Of course not. That is, obviously, assuming that your car is so full of junk and baby paraphenelia that said car seat is wedged tightly in between the diaper bag and the baby stroller and the bag of recycled plastic bags you’ve been meaning to return to the grocery store. Highway crash tests reveal that the more stuff you can cram into your backseat, the safer your baby*. Unless of course you are talking about machetes and live grenades. In that case, you should definitely buckle the seat in.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

Am I a complete imbecile if I cannot sew in a straight line?

Sincerely,

Feeling Destructive

 

Dear Feeling Destructive,

No. Sewing machines were designed by men way back in the 1700s for the single purpose of making women belive that they had lost their ever-loving minds. The invention still holds remarkable power for creating insanity in women, but said power can be easily broken by realizing that you can purchase whatever it is you were trying to make for half the price at Old Navy.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

My one-year-old says the same word for both “Grandma” and “Cookie.” Should I be concerned?

Sincerely,

Somewhat Suspicious

 

Dear SS,

Your suspicions are warranted. I suggest installing a “Granny Cam” into your child’s diaper bag so that you can surveil what is actually happening while he/she is staying with Grandma. Most likely you will see a very clear correlation between “Grandma” and “cookies.” I will say, however, that your video evidence  and/or a stern talking to will have very little punitive effect on Grandma, as we all know that their DNA is made of processed sugar and zero desire to say no. On the bright side, she might feel bad enough to give you some cookies, too.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese 

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

I would really like to get a new cell phone, but there is nothing wrong with my old one. Can I really justify getting a new phone?

Sincerely,

Kinda Bored

 

Dear Kinda Bored,

Your dilemma is a familiar one, as phone technology constantly changes and improves, keeping up with the Joneses (or Macs, if you know what I mean) becomes increasinly difficult. Here is my recommendation:  Run into the local bagel shop for a quick breakfast, toting one or more of your kids. On the way out  “accidentally” drop your phone in the parking lot and drive away. When you return to innocently retrieve your “missing” phone, you will find it mangled and unusable. Your husband will then authorize a trip to the phone store, and you will have your pick of the newest phones. Problem solved.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Thank you for joining us today for our Dear Whine and Cheese column. Feel free to leave more of your questions in the comments section for future columns.

 

 

*That is patently untrue. Duh.

At Least I’ve Got Good Benefits

2 Apr

Whine: Two children. Six weeks. Five ear infections. Eighty doses of antibiotics. One bottle of kiddie Motrin. One bottle of something else. . . . (I mean Sprite, for goodness sake. What kind of mother do you think I am?)

Cheese: SPRING! It’s here. In Texas, these are the BEST DAYS ALL YEAR. I had almost forgotten there was a whole ‘nother world out there. Filled with non-television-ways to entertain my children. Too bad it’ll be over by May 1st and we’ll have to head back inside lest we all melt directly into the sidewalk. But that’s ok, because today IT’S SPRING. Which is why I took my kids to the movies and sat inside today.

 

As a SAHM (isn’t that a sassy way to say stay-at-home-mom? I don’t really think so either, I’m just too lazy to type it out) I often get asked The Question. It used to bother me when someone asked me. Mostly because I would look back on my day and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I’d have no idea where those twelve hours of my life had gone. It both confused and terrified me to wonder what had happened to that day in my life. But, alas, after doing this for almost four years, I have found my answer. If someone asked me today, I think the conversation would go something like this:

 

Innocent Questioner: (trying very hard not to offend but still very curious) So, what is it exactly that you DO all day?

 

Me: We go to the doctor.

 

IQ: No, really. I mean, I think I’d just go crazy being at home all day.

 

Me: Yeah, me, too. Good thing I’m never at home and I’m always AT THE DOCTOR.

Or on the way to the doctor. Or on the way from the doctor to the pharmacy. Or sitting up in the middle of the night taking someone’s temperature and wondering how early I can call the doctor. Or sitting at home within arm’s reach of my phone waiting for the doctor to call to tell me when I can come in and see the doctor.

 

IQ: (looking baffled and not sure s/he believes me) Oh.

 

I’ve been told (and I’m sure this is correct) that this stage, too, will pass. I’m sure it will. Only to be succeeded by the  drive-them-to-school-and-sports-and-music-practice-and-the-orthodontist-and-because-they-forgot-their-lunch phase. Where are we on developing those alternate fuels, anyway? I’m going to be broke.

But don’t worry, I hear that they eventually get their own drivers’ lisences. Then they drive themselves places. (Still on your dime, of course). But at least then we can finally sit at home and enter the oh-my-gosh-she-hasn’t-called-where-is-she-is-she-in-a-ditch phase, which I’ve heard is the phase that actually never ends, even when they’re 65. 

This mothering gig is never going to end, is it? Oh well, at least I have good benefits:

Show Me Those Baby Blues

Show Me Those Baby Blues

 

You Too With the Baby Blues?

You Too With the Baby Blues?