Archive | June, 2009

Dear Whine and Cheese

26 Jun

Whine: I’m on the tail end of my annual sunburn. While it no longer hurts for me to wear clothes, I have hit the awkward full-body-peel stage. So now I am obsessed with removing my own skin. That will look good on my “What I did on my Summer Vacation” essay in the fall, won’t it?

Cheese: This one is extra cheesy. Hubby and I are going to celebrate our 9th anniversary in style. Paris? You ask. Perhaps a night at a little Bed and Breakfast? No. We want to celebrate in style. At the Water Park. Come on, it’s 3,000,000 gallons of water, people, what’s not fun about that? Besides, we’re on a budget.

 

In honor of Mr. Dad’s and my anniversary, and since we here at Whine and Cheese are such big fans of marriage (GO, Marriage!!) we wanted to grace you with our advice for a happy marriage, gleaned from years of studious research, and possibly a little bit of trial and error.

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

There is this boy in my calculus class that I have my eye on. He seems like a nice guy and he looks awfully cute in his football uniform. Do you have any advice for me about how to get him to ask me out? 

Sincerely,

Lovestruck

 

Dear Lovestruck,

If I were you I’d bide my time. Perhaps he is not quite ready for all you have to offer. In fact, wait about eight years. Have your friends keep tabs on him when you are off at college. Then finally get frustrated with his laid back approach and give him your number. He’ll be so relieved that you finally noticed him that he’ll call the next week. You’ll be married within a year.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

My parents are always telling me that I should know what I want in life. Now that I’m thinking about marriage, what should I look for in a husband?

Sincerely,

Makin’ a List

 

Dear List,

You are very wise to take these matters so seriously. Here is my list, in no particular order.

A good man:

Will take over at the wheel when you are stuck on a busy downtown street and cannot parallel park. He will also not laugh too hard at your incompetence.

Gives you his last taco when he knows you are really, really hungry.

Knows the correct answer to the question “Do I look fat?” (Which is, incidentally, “You define beauty for me, so of course you don’t look fat.” OR “I love you at any size, but of course you don’t look fat.”)

Will miss the last five minutes of a triple-overtime championship game (he has it on dvr, of course) to talk to you if you need him.

Likes your friends. Sticks up for your friends when their boyfriends are being idiots. Knocks some sense into his friends when they are the ones being the idiots.

Knows how to change a diaper, make a bottle and entertain a baby. Trust me, this comes in handy.

Will tolerate your television and movie preferences, even getting sucked into an episode or two of Project Runway, before realizing that his masculinity is draining out of him and then going and buying a second tv.

Can plan a good date.

Has figured out how to wire cable into the garage, so he can go out there and “work, ” conveniently whenever the Rangers are on.

Knows how to navigate a Major Meltdown (yours, not his): hugs, listening, ice cream, hugs, more ice cream, and possibly a nap.

Knows your drink order at Starbucks.

And finally, (this is the most important one). Looks good in a pair of cowboy boots and can dance a mean two-step.

 

Hope you find a man that checks all your boxes.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

What are your secrets for a happy marriage?

Sincerely,

Hopeful

 

Dear Hopeful,

Learn to apologize, even though you’ll rarely be wrong. Give him a hug and a kiss, even when he doesn’t deserve it. Laugh at his jokes, even though they aren’t funny. Let him help you, even though you absolutely don’t need him to.

One day you’ll realize that you’re wrong more often than you thought, he’s more deserving than you can imagine, his jokes are actually pretty funny and a little help here and there isn’t so bad.

Either that or marriage has turned your brain into mush. Doesn’t matter, you’ll be happy either way.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese

Gold Stars

8 Jun

Whine: Big Sis and I are currently in the middle of an intense round of Potty Survivor, trying to determine who will, in fact, Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast. She’s been sitting there for 45 minutes now, not going.

Cheese: I got my laptop fixed so I no longer have to keep the power cord twisted in a perfect sailors knot in order for it to charge. Which means that I can write this from the floor of the hallway next to the bathroom while I wait for my million dollar prize (or just a filled-up potty.)

 

In case you were wondering and thought I had been devoured by wild bears, I have not. I actually was on a trip to see my family in Michigan. The trip was fun and fabulous, but also exhausting and more exhausting. We had such a great time, I wanted to give out few Gold Stars from the trip.

 

1. To my littlest Sis, Laura, who is now Dr. Laura. Although I am not surprised that you graduated from medical school, I am still incredibly awed and proud. You amaze me and I love you.

2. To my other Sisters. For sharing your clothes with me (still), for going along with my hair-brained schemes (like cake decorating and flower wrapping) and for pacing the aisles of the grocery store with me for a really loooooooong time. And for being terrific Aunties to my kiddos.

3. To my Aunt Linnaea (and Uncle Chris,too). I shouldn’t have been surprised to discover our many common bonds, but it was fun to bond over itineraries and leftover cake anyway. Thank you for sleeping in your camper so that we could have your bedroom. Now that’s what I call love.

4. To Mom and Sir. Thanks for sponsoring the party and for enjoying it. Thanks for flying up here with me, Mom, even though it almost killed us both. Thanks for heading up this crazy family.

5. To G&G. For wonderful backseat driving, perfect apple pies and lots of baby snuggling. I love having you in my life and my kids’ lives.

6. To Dad and Pam. For a lovely 48 hours. For the fun zoo trip (albeit a cold and rainy one). For picking asparagus and rhubarb from the backyard and serving it for dinner. For letting us invade your house and lives, even for just a little while.

7. To my Cousins. For hanging out. For hugs on the rug. For making sure we had what we needed, including Diet Coke. For having cute kids. For donuts and coffee and a ride home.

8. To the Nieces and Nephews. You are really cute kids. And my really cute kids happen to think that you guys are terrific. Because you are. Thanks for being sweet and fun and kind and adorable. We miss you already.

9. To the Really Nice Lady working at the Citgo in Kalamazoo at 2 in the morning. For letting me use your cell phone because mine was dead and I was lost in the middle of the night with two kids in the back seat. You were certainly an answer to a desperate, freaked-out prayer.

10. To Mr. Dad. For making the trip up, even though you could only come for less than two days. For all you do to make my life easier (I sure notice it A LOT when you’re not around) like diaper changing, kid entertaining and (yuck!) pest control. For waiting patiently when I get lost in a book (or two, or three) until I am ready to re-enter the outside world again. You are a really nice guy. Except when you force me to eat or sleep or interact with people. Then you are a big jerk. But I suppose I love you anyway.

 

Of course I could give out Gold Stars all day long, and I know this is not an exhaustive list, but the Great Potty Standoff is over (for now) and Big Sis just used a Clorox wipe instead of a Baby wipe, so I’d better go before her skin falls off. . .