Dear Whine and Cheese

22 Apr

Whine: Today I made the mistake of buying the sisters each a butterfly net. Then, once I got the nets off their heads (and mine, once) I spent the better part of my afternoon bug hunting with the girls. And by “with the girls” I mean me digging through the dirt with a stick and picking up worms with my bare hands while they called out encouragingly from the safety of the swingset. 

Cheese: I got a “Bravo!” and a “Take a bow!” and even a “You’re an expert, Mom!” Man, if I’d known worms would make me so popular, I would have bought a worm farm a long time ago.

So NOT my idea.

Many of you out there are wondering just exactly what it takes to survive as a multi-child mom. I’m no octo-mom, but being home alone all day with three little urchins requires some creativity, and I’m happy to answer your burning questions. (Actually, if they’re burning, you should probably see your doctor.)

Dear Whine and Cheese,

Since having my baby a month ago I haven’t figured out how moms actually eat. Doesn’t my baby realize that if I don’t eat, neither does he?


About to Eat my Own Arm

Dear, um, Hungry,

You’ve asked the central question of motherhood. Whether you are struggling to eat because your jelly-bean-sized fetus is rejecting all nourishment or because every time you get some food multiple someones are a)crying, yelling and hollering or b)climbing on top of you trying to get a bite, you’ve got to figure out how to eat, lest the very underpinnings of our civilization (i.e., happy mommas) crumble and fall apart.

That being said, here are a few tips for avoiding the low blood sugar meltdown:

1) While you sit in your car to nurse the baby who screamed through all twenty-four aisles of the grocery store to the pitying (judgmental?) glances of midday shoppers, scrounge around through the jumble of bags until you stumble upon something edible, like a bagel or a candy bar or a few of both. Wash them down with a warm Diet Coke or the cup of day-old water that has hints of dog hair floating around in it. I’d go with the Diet Coke if I were you.

2) When a lovely, kind and compassionate person brings dinner for your family, immediately serve yourself a plate, shoot your husband and kids The Death Look and run to your bedroom. Enjoy your feast while you sit on the floor and watch the reruns of Hoarders on A&E, because at least someone’s living room looks worse than yours.

3)  Two words: Drive Thru. Because they can’t get to you — or your food — if they’re strapped into their car seats.

I hope this helps you retain all your appendages, for this week at least.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

Dear Whine and Cheese,

I’m now a mother of three. How on earth am I supposed to leave the house, let alone grocery shop?


Old Mother Hubbard

Dear Mother Hubbard,

When grocery shopping it is important to remember a few things: your grocery list, your coupons (all expired, of course), and a few giant lollipops. Don’t hesitate to utilize the XXL-sized Racecar shopping cart. Just be warned that you will need to complete a driver safety course in order to maneuver the cart without knocking over the cardboard display filled with sample-sized bottles of Irish Spring bodywash that not one of those pitying midday shoppers will help you pick up. Also know that despite the ungainly size of the cart, no actual groceries will fit inside without a delicate house-of-cards-like arrangement. By the time you reach the check-out your chips will be totally crumbled and the labels will be ripped off all your boxes of cereal, but at least you’ll have food to rummage through when you’re stranded in a parking lot feeding The Hungriest Baby Who Ever Lived.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

Dear Whine and Cheese,

I’m thinking of having children. Should I have noise-reducing headphones surgically attached to my ears?


La, La, La, I Can’t Hear You

Dear La La,

You pose a fascinating question. Certainly the sounds of early childhood can be overwhelming. The crying in the night when you just barely just fell asleep. The shouts of “she’stouchingmeWAAAHH” from the back seat. The disturbingly loud and metallic crinkle of the new biodegradable chip bag (seriously, SO loud!). The dollar store cd of kids’ songs whose squeaky fast-forward sound makes you wonder if when recording a cd for the dollar store you pay for the recording studio by the minute.

But if you were to muffle all the cries, shouts, crinkles and squeaks, you’d also be muffling the sound of the tiny sweet baby stretching and yawning next to you. And you might miss out on hearing your six favorite words: “Mom, I have to go potty.” (Even if it is a false alarm.) And when you’re up to your wrists in worm slime, you might need your ears free to hear the encouragement of your biggest fan.

So, La La, I wouldn’t attach the headphones, but I’d sure keep ’em handy for roadtrips. Or trips to the grocery store. It’s hard to push a huge grocery cart with your fingers stuffed in your ears.  

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

10 Responses to “Dear Whine and Cheese”

  1. Karen April 22, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

    Oh Sarah. You make me laugh out loud….
    and feel very normal. It’s a nice feeling in this large-shopping-cart, she’stouchingme, when-am-I-going-to-eat-? world.

  2. kellie@LaVidaDulce April 23, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    This post reminds me of Erma Bombeck. You are so talented at taking things that all mom’s can relate to (and in the moment, may not seem humorous) and making them laughable. Its such an encouragement!

  3. Sars April 23, 2010 at 8:09 am #

    Kellie, that is such a compliment. I grew up reading Erma Bombeck and have always wanted to write like her. Thank you!!

  4. James Lehr April 23, 2010 at 9:17 am #

    We here at What The Farm respect your candor and impromptu taking of questions. As a new (foster) father of 3 children I highly respect moms and all of your hard work. I’ve been off this last week from my day job supervising/refereeing the kids’ spring vacation. Honestly we have had a lot of fun but I’m exhausted by the end of the day.

  5. rachelle April 23, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    dear whine and cheese,
    my question is in regards to bathing. i have given up bathing my children, but would still like to bathe myself now and then. any sugesstions?
    stinky minky.

  6. Melanie April 23, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    Dear Whine and Cheese,
    How do you child-proof your home for a toddler who can open all “child-proofed” items?
    Tired of Calling Poison Control

  7. Kristiana April 23, 2010 at 12:24 pm #

    Thanking God someone besides me has knocked over the display of Irish Spring travel bottles with the racecar cart! Only.. I was laughing at myself and that brought about even RUDER looks from the store patrons! I can’t win!

    I agree with Stinky Minky. Bathing kids is overrated. That’s why my hubby’s been doing it since day one. I think I have given about 4 baths in 5 years. I definitely married well.
    (Go Sports Widows!)

    😉 Krispy B.

  8. Cheryl Walhout April 23, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Oh, the memories. Too funny Sarah!! As I’m reading, I keep hearing your mother”s voice. Is that scary or what?


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