Tag Archives: marriage

There is no Off-Season for Me

16 Jan

Whine: Mr. Dad has taken over the TV yet again to watch a Really Big Game. Which happens to be Really Big Game #4,238 of our marriage. That’s a lot of Really Big Games. And I’ll tell you a secret, we don’t win them all. Which is why I’m skilled in the arts of both CPR and Tai Chi. (Ok, not Tai Chi, but that would be cool.)

Cheese: We have been married long enough (4,238 Really Big Games, to be exact) that Mr. Dad knows he has to be super-dad for a little while before he transforms into a mindless sports-watching machine. So I enjoyed listening to a rowdy game of hide-and-seek from the other side of a locked bedroom door.

This post is dedicated to that brave and selfless group of women known as Sports Widows. These women weather the ups and downs of every sports season with grace and  aplomb. Sports Widows earn their name from the endless evenings and Saturday mornings and Sunday nights and random Wednesday afternoons they spend holding down the fort alone so their husbands can follow their dreams of watching other people play sports.

Are you curious about your status as a Sports Widow? Read the signs and symptoms below to discover if you, too, belong to that most-honored group.

You might be a Sports Widow if…

…there’s a line in your budget labeled ‘Sporting Events’ and it’s larger than the line labeled ‘Shoes and Clothes.’

…the only time you’ve heard your husband threaten to ‘rip somebody’s head off’ was in regards to a made-up sport.

…your best chance for seeing your husband would be to catch him in a crowd shot on the TV.

…you can use the ESPN ticker like a Weather Channel for your husband’s moods.

…your supply of commemorative plastic cups outnumbers both your casual and formal drinking glasses.

…getting ‘dressed up’ for your husband means changing out of his team jersey t-shirt and into his team polo or oxford.

…after a particularly hard loss, people who are not fans of the team or sport call with their condolences.

…in your husband’s opinion, the Sports Hug is the only legitimate man-hug.

…you’ve only ever seen your husband Sports Cry.

…when your alma mater plays your husband’s you root for his team because it makes life easier. For both of you.

…you feel very guilty, but you wish the team would lose in Round 1 of the playoffs so you could have your husband back. (At least until the next sport starts up.)

…your husband spent part of your wedding reception listening to a football game.*

…your husband spends more time writing a trash talk post for his fantasy football message board than selecting your anniversary card. (And don’t even think about him writing in it. He signed it, didn’t he?? Didn’t he??)

…you have ever travelled across the country so he could do a ‘live draft’.

…you know what a ‘live draft’ is.

…you know all the names of the local sports radio hosts because you listen to sports radio… when you’re alone.

…your second-hand sports information outweighs that of most grown men.

…you routinely use metaphors like “hurry-up offense, call an audible, and zone defense” to describe routine domestic events and wonder why the other mommies don’t know what you’re talking about.

It might sound like I’m complaining about my lot in marriage, but Sports Widowhood isn’t all bad.

Mr. Dad pretty much always owes me one (how do you think I got him to approve this post?) and when he’s gone at the game, I get the remote to myself. And I like to pretend that his passion for sports is simply a metaphor for how he feels about me. Because that makes sense, right? Either way, some of the sweetest friendships I’ve formed happened while waiting for our boys to come home from the game.

Those same  boys who sometimes surprise us by having those rare ultra-meaningful man conversations sandwiched between analyzing stats and complaining about the refs. Or who stop on their way home from a out-of-town game with a new dining room table they picked up (without prompting) from Pottery Barn Outlet. (Yes, I said Pottery Barn Outlet.) Plus, there’s something to be said for watching Mr. Dad coach the kids on the proper team cheers (Heeeeeyyyyyy, Sic ‘Em, Bears!) and dressing Brother Bear up so they walk around in matching outfits all day.

Besides, it could be worse, at least he’s not into NASCAR.

Yet.

I would like to apologize now to my future daughter-in-law/sports widow for letting it start so early.

*For the record, Mr. Dad did NOT even think about doing this. Mostly because we got married in June — well before football season.

This post is dedicated to my own band of Sports Widows, who have made this job a lot more bearable. Good thing they’ll never know how much fun we have without ’em, right girls?

Hardcore.

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Dear Whine and Cheese

26 Jun

Whine: I’m on the tail end of my annual sunburn. While it no longer hurts for me to wear clothes, I have hit the awkward full-body-peel stage. So now I am obsessed with removing my own skin. That will look good on my “What I did on my Summer Vacation” essay in the fall, won’t it?

Cheese: This one is extra cheesy. Hubby and I are going to celebrate our 9th anniversary in style. Paris? You ask. Perhaps a night at a little Bed and Breakfast? No. We want to celebrate in style. At the Water Park. Come on, it’s 3,000,000 gallons of water, people, what’s not fun about that? Besides, we’re on a budget.

 

In honor of Mr. Dad’s and my anniversary, and since we here at Whine and Cheese are such big fans of marriage (GO, Marriage!!) we wanted to grace you with our advice for a happy marriage, gleaned from years of studious research, and possibly a little bit of trial and error.

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

There is this boy in my calculus class that I have my eye on. He seems like a nice guy and he looks awfully cute in his football uniform. Do you have any advice for me about how to get him to ask me out? 

Sincerely,

Lovestruck

 

Dear Lovestruck,

If I were you I’d bide my time. Perhaps he is not quite ready for all you have to offer. In fact, wait about eight years. Have your friends keep tabs on him when you are off at college. Then finally get frustrated with his laid back approach and give him your number. He’ll be so relieved that you finally noticed him that he’ll call the next week. You’ll be married within a year.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

My parents are always telling me that I should know what I want in life. Now that I’m thinking about marriage, what should I look for in a husband?

Sincerely,

Makin’ a List

 

Dear List,

You are very wise to take these matters so seriously. Here is my list, in no particular order.

A good man:

Will take over at the wheel when you are stuck on a busy downtown street and cannot parallel park. He will also not laugh too hard at your incompetence.

Gives you his last taco when he knows you are really, really hungry.

Knows the correct answer to the question “Do I look fat?” (Which is, incidentally, “You define beauty for me, so of course you don’t look fat.” OR “I love you at any size, but of course you don’t look fat.”)

Will miss the last five minutes of a triple-overtime championship game (he has it on dvr, of course) to talk to you if you need him.

Likes your friends. Sticks up for your friends when their boyfriends are being idiots. Knocks some sense into his friends when they are the ones being the idiots.

Knows how to change a diaper, make a bottle and entertain a baby. Trust me, this comes in handy.

Will tolerate your television and movie preferences, even getting sucked into an episode or two of Project Runway, before realizing that his masculinity is draining out of him and then going and buying a second tv.

Can plan a good date.

Has figured out how to wire cable into the garage, so he can go out there and “work, ” conveniently whenever the Rangers are on.

Knows how to navigate a Major Meltdown (yours, not his): hugs, listening, ice cream, hugs, more ice cream, and possibly a nap.

Knows your drink order at Starbucks.

And finally, (this is the most important one). Looks good in a pair of cowboy boots and can dance a mean two-step.

 

Hope you find a man that checks all your boxes.

Yours Truly,

Whine and Cheese

 

 

Dear Whine and Cheese,

What are your secrets for a happy marriage?

Sincerely,

Hopeful

 

Dear Hopeful,

Learn to apologize, even though you’ll rarely be wrong. Give him a hug and a kiss, even when he doesn’t deserve it. Laugh at his jokes, even though they aren’t funny. Let him help you, even though you absolutely don’t need him to.

One day you’ll realize that you’re wrong more often than you thought, he’s more deserving than you can imagine, his jokes are actually pretty funny and a little help here and there isn’t so bad.

Either that or marriage has turned your brain into mush. Doesn’t matter, you’ll be happy either way.

Sincerely,

Whine and Cheese